You had me fooled.
I thought you genuinely loved me.
But now I realise I was never the queen you claimed I was.
I was simply a queen on your chessboard, a piece you used to knock down opposition and advance your own game, knowing all along your plan was to eventually sacrifice me.
…I hate that you were yet another person I allowed to make me question my worth, my purpose, my sanity and even my reality.
And yet, despite all of that, there is still a part of me that wishes things were different.
I wish the version of you that you presented to me was real.
I wish the man I thought I knew actually existed.
But unfortunately, he doesn’t.
Each person you meet gets a different version of you, which makes you the ultimate imposter. Nobody truly knows who you are because the mask is always changing.
And now I find myself questioning everything until I’m sick.
Did you ever truly love me?
Or was I just another person to be used until I was no longer compliant or willing to tolerate the abuse?
You told me that you were still single because everyone else had wronged you.
You told me that you were a victim of circumstance.
And I believed you.
I know how lonely life can feel. I know what it feels like to be hurting, so I wanted to be there for you.
And for a while, I wondered why nobody else was.
Then one day I found myself sitting there, heart pounding, wondering how someone could take so much from a person who already gives everything away.
I felt robbed.
Disgusted.
Worthless.
And deep down, I knew this wasn’t what love was supposed to look like as you tried to convince me otherwise.
I knew this isn’t how Christ loves His people.
So why was a man who claimed to follow Him treating another human this way?
I loved you dearly.
But now when, I think of you, what remains is pity.
And now, I find myself wondering whether my future husband will patiently wait for me to heal or whether I’ll miss him entirely because perhaps right now he’s healthy, whole and ready for love while I’m still shattered glass…
But here’s what I finally know:
Everyone wasn’t out to get you.
People weren’t abandoning you for no reason.
The truth is that no one could survive you.
And that’s why you have no one.
A wolf in sheep’s clothing.
A man who uses Scripture when it benefits him and ignores it when it costs him.
And now I’m just another story you’ll tell.
Another piece on your chessboard.
Another villain in your version of events.
The woman who never understood you…
Except you’re dead wrong.
I understood you perfectly well…
And that’s exactly why I left.
Many Blessings, Grace. Xx
Disclaimer: It’s been six months since I left my ex. This post is a poetic reflection and does not tell the whole story, but I’m finally ready to share a glimpse of my experience.
I’m okay, healing and grateful life looks different than it did six months ago.
If you are in crisis or feel unsafe, please contact emergency services in your area. In Australia, call 000. In the United States, call 911.
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